He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
