What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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