Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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