WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
