I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
