peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
