You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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