He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
