Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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