I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
