3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
