He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
