We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
