mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
