woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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