Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
