Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
