ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
