You made me cry and you don't even care
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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