I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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