I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
