I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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