After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
