I wish life had little blips of pornography
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
