i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
