the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
