dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
