i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
