and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
