Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
