I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
