I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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