He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
