Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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