I didn't shave. On purpose
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
