In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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