I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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