i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
