Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
