I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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