Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
