I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
