I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
