in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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