You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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