I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
