someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
