I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
