matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
