I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
