I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
