I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
